How Do You Process Grief?
Have you ever been in denial?
Would you even know what denial looks like?
It was an ordinary Tuesday, uneventful so far apart from THAT wardrobe malfunction. As I got changed into my suit at my parent’s house in Wimbledon, South London, I realised that I had not packed a tie!
I know, I can hear you cry, “But Elias, not having a tie ISN’T a wardrobe malfunction!” It certainly was in the bygone time I am sharing about. It was when flying business class required a certain decorum, this was an era where you were expected to dress for the part.
I kissed my mum goodbye and gave my dad a hug while the taxi driver put my bags into the back of his cab. Soon I was in the taxi and heading towards Heathrow Airport, where upon arriving I made a detour via the Tie Rack (that should help date this story!) to purchase the requisite tie before heading into the United Airlines Business Club Lounge.
With my new tie securely fastened, I took a leisurely stroll and proceeded to the departure gate where I was welcomed on board and waved through to my seat at the head of the business class cabin.
The flight was UA929, heading to Chicago, where I was due to present at a conference.
The date was September 11, 2001.
Nothing could have prepared anyone for the tragedies that were about to occur. Halfway through our flight, just after the crew cleared away our lunch, my world would be abruptly changed forever. I’m still unsure whether it was the panicked look on the faces of the crew as they scurried around the plane or the horrendous sound that I heard alerting me to an issue. I later found out that the noise was caused by a combination of jettisoning fuel, in anticipation of our imminent touchdown, and the premature deployment of the landing gear to slow the speed of the plane.
While we were quickly reassured by Captain Mike Ballard that there was nothing wrong with the plane, due to a “significant incident in the United States,” all airspace within it had been closed. As a precaution, our plane was being diverted and we were going to be landing in Gander, which was in Newfoundland, Canada.
To be honest, I had no idea where that was, and my mind started to race. What was that ‘significant incident’? My first thought was that the President of the USA had been assassinated; that was quickly overtaken by another – maybe there was a nuclear attack on US soil. I arched my neck to look past my fellow passenger who occupied the window seat. Would I be able to see a mushroom cloud through the window out to the horizon?
Thankfully, I couldn’t see anything. The next 30 minutes were spent preparing the plane for its unscheduled early landing. The crew cleared away all the remnants of our lunch, eradicating any evidence of normality in this flight. What was supposed to be an eight-and-a-half-hour flight had been cut by half.
There has been a significant incident in the USA…
A hush fell upon the plane; passengers and crew alike assumed a sombre attitude. Soon the tell-tale signs of descent were felt as the barometric pressure drop caused me to swallow till my ears ‘popped’ and the discomfort in my ears disappeared.
Our plane continued to lose altitude and soon we were touching down. We had indeed been diverted to Gander Airport, Newfoundland, affectionately known by its airport code ‘YQX’. We were one of thirty-eight planes grounded there as a result of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
My earlier wardrobe malfunction was no longer as significant as it had seemed prior to boarding as I prepared to disembark.
Seconds dragged into minutes, which dragged into hours. Soon we clicked over a full 24 hours that we were in the plane and on the tarmac. I expected us to be given the all-clear within a short time frame of our touchdown. At that time I was fully convinced that we would be back in the air and on our way to Chicago soon. Talk about naivety!
Was I in denial? Absolutely. Was I aware of that? No.
Many of you will be aware that there are multiple models that talk about the different stages of grief. One of these models refers to five stages. Does grief always follow the same order of stages? Not always.
This model identifies the five stages of grief as:
denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
I was wallowing in the first stage. In fact, I don’t think that I got past that stage for a long time.
As you face a crisis, you may very well be drawn down through these five stages of grief. Do not be surprised if you find yourself dwelling at one of those stages for a longer period of time than you have liked to admit. Irrespective of which stage you find yourself at, take the time to reach out to someone, ideally a professional, and seek some counsel and help.
By the time I was repatriated to New Zealand, almost a week after my initial flight left London, Heathrow, I thought that I would be back into the swing of thing straight away. Instead, it took me months to process what I had gone through. If I’m honest, I was self-destructive and I did some things that risked my employment.
Thankfully, I had a manager who could see that I was still hurt and in pain. Although this was 20 years ago, and we were not as up-to-date with the framework to help people deal with grief, I was encouraged to seek some professional counselling. I;m pleased that I did as the counsellor was able to help me move through and process this grief.
If you find yourself struggling with grief, be brave enough to give yourself permission to seek help.