It was an ordinary Tuesday, when I received THAT text message…
It was an ordinary Tuesday. I was in town for a meeting when my phone buzzed. Waiting till my meeting had finished, I checked and saw that it was a text from my wife, Kay asking: “R u available sometime this arvo for a meeting with Darrell?” This was not a good message to receive.
“Darrell”, to whom the text referred, was the principal of the high school that my children attended.
I went through the mental checklist. My two eldest daughters as adults, living in Christchurch, were discounted out of the equation. Of my two younger children, my daughter had already graduated high school and was due to start at university. That only left my youngest – my son Nicholas.
I tried calling my wife, but each call ended in voicemail prison, so with a sense of disappointment and anxiety, I texted her back. “Sounds ominous. Just tried to call your mobile and your office number. Please call me when you’re able.”
When you get invited to attend a meeting with your child’s principal, you know that something is up. I ran through a series of potential reasons in my mind... Was there a fight? Did someone get hurt? Was there spilling of blood involved? Did he win???!
By the time we entered the Principal’s office a few hours later, we were reassured that Nicholas was not in trouble. The reason that we were asked in was that one of his teachers had noticed that he was rather lethargic and become disconnected in the classroom. Nicholas had fallen back in his contributions and wanting to help him, she instigated a meeting with Nicholas and the Principal.
During this initial meeting, Nicholas was asked if his attention was being distracted by his smartphone. He acknowledged that he was using it for Instagram, YouTube and the like, but hadn’t connected this with his changed engagement in class. When challenged on how much time he was spending on his device, Nicholas estimated it to be between 60 – 90 minutes. The ‘Digital Wellbeing’ report on his phone revealed that it was between five and six hours per day!
Principal Darrell’s youngest son was in the same class as Nicholas and it transpired it was common amongst young adults that they drastically underestimated the amount of time they actually spent on their smartphones. Having taken his son through a similar conversation, Darrell helped Nicholas to become aware that the gulf between perception and reality were immense.
Our meeting with Darrell concluded as he pointed us towards some strategies and Apps that we could install onto Nicholas’s smartphone to help him manage, control and monitor the amount of time he spent online.
When we returned home that evening, Kay and I arranged for Nicholas to join us in my home office, where we had a heartfelt conversation. Sitting around the coffee table, Nicholas in the armchair directly in front of me and Kay to my left and Nicholas’s right.
I cleared my throat, and said, “Nicholas, let me kick off by stating three things. Number 1 – you’re not in trouble. Number two – we believe in you. And number three – we’re here to help.” I knew that it was important to frame our conversation and to ensure that Nicholas knew that he was in a safe space.
We talked through the issues and came to an agreement that Nicholas would allow us to download the App onto his phone, limiting his screen time to a maximum of an hour a day, Monday through Friday and 2 hours on the weekend.
There was a sense of relief from Nicholas as he acknowledged that he had been feeling like he had had little control regulating his behaviour and his emotions. What had been set in place would aid him with this and drawing the meeting to its natural conclusion, I re-iterated to Nicholas that there were three things:
You’re not in trouble
We believe in you
We’re here to help
As he left, my mind was drawn back to another Tuesday, nearly 18 years earlier, where I heard a similar message. It started off with the sentence, “Ladies and gentlemen, let me first reassure you that there is nothing wrong with this plane...”
Remember, when you’re having those courageous conversations, give them a framework that helps the other person know that they are in a safe environment and have nothing to fear.